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June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
if anyone actually reads this, fyi: it's not about my husband.
I don't know why I let you fool me like you do. I keep thinking things will change, but the same record plays again. I haven't the courage to flip to the other side. To hear something new. To end the song I thought was supposed to be. We never danced.
I tried, I really did. Maybe I held back, maybe I should have taken off my shoes. Because you sure didn't. The way you held your coat around your body and avoided my eyes, my words, my calls. I guess our dance is over, I'll try to find you a new partner. I really don't want you to dance alone. You think you know the steps, but they're just blind guesses and your motions are sloppy. I don't know them perfectly, but I wanted to learn beside you, but I guess that will never happen.
I asked you to dance last night, instead you danced with someone else. Without even a shout of good bye. I can't bear to blame myself anymore, to burdern my heart with your silence. So I'll let go, I can't control.
Good bye good night. Don't dance so close to the edge.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
it seems so simple.
Be still, and know that I am God. -Psalm 46:10 (NIV)
but it's not. for me anyways. to TRUST HIM.
I was telling John last night how I used to lay in bed, and when the worries came, I'd think about what it'd be like to be married or in the last year, imagine the wedding day. And as I thought about those happier things, instead of the things I was worried about, I'd calm down and sleep. Now that the wedding has passed and I'm living the married life, I have no place of escape. When the worries come, I have him hold me and try and breath deep.
I realized last night it has to be even more than that. I have to start surrendering my concerns to God. To allow HIM to take them and burden them for me. Through prayer will I be free from my worry wortness. Silly it seems, but this is a big deal for me.
God, I surrender all.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
confessions.
If then there is any encouragement in Christ, any consolation from love, any sharing in the Spirit, any compassion and sympathy, make my joy complete: be of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others. Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as something to be exploited, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, being born in human likeness. And being found in human form, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death -- even death on a cross. Therefore God also highly exalted him and gave him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bend, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.-Philippians 2:1-11 (NRSV)
a few notes of confession:
as I was laying in bed in his arms, just trying to breath, to make my head stop spinning around and the gavel stop pounding judgement on my soul, the HS spoke some kind of clarity into the madness.
1#. I feel so guilty for not stopping when I could have, not seeking you out when I should have. I know I'm only one person in the dominoe relationships you have, but as one person I might have some kind of influence. I realized the guilt somehow stemmed from knowing that 2# would have seized the moment, rearranged priorities to be with you at that moment. They wouldn't have been afraid to step in your world, and that you would have let them. I realized that while I can't be #2 to you, I can learn from #2. I need to be like #2. which led to.....
#2. Knowing you have (or had, I don't know anymore) attributes that I ought to have and can emulate, helped me forgive you. I've been asking for help in forgiving you for more than a few months now. But I also recognized an ugly little piece of myself that didn't want to forgive. That piece that wanted to harbor hurt. My realization last night, strangely enough, helped me to forgive you.
#3. I also realized, somewhat apart from my other enlightening thoughts, that the reason I wasn't invited is because I probably wouldn't have enjoyed myself. It wasn't a power play of "who do you like better" or that someone else there didn't want me there, but it most likely a foreshadowing of my interest level in the event. And that tastes so much better than the bitter things I was imagining previously.
I am so fallible. I am so broken. I almost gave it all up last night, for I am so selfish. I almost threw in the towel of servanthood as I saw the clearest reflection of who I truly am. Then the Redeemer brought me to a place of humility, and I saw a path of hope.
Hope for an obediant daughter who heeds the words of a loving Father, and is changed. Changed to humility, looking to the needs of other, having the mind of Christ.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
reminder
- And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.
Archives
June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
I don't know why I let you fool me like you do. I keep thinking things will change, but the same record plays again. I haven't the courage to flip to the other side. To hear something new. To end the song I thought was supposed to be. We never danced.
I tried, I really did. Maybe I held back, maybe I should have taken off my shoes. Because you sure didn't. The way you held your coat around your body and avoided my eyes, my words, my calls. I guess our dance is over, I'll try to find you a new partner. I really don't want you to dance alone. You think you know the steps, but they're just blind guesses and your motions are sloppy. I don't know them perfectly, but I wanted to learn beside you, but I guess that will never happen.
I asked you to dance last night, instead you danced with someone else. Without even a shout of good bye. I can't bear to blame myself anymore, to burdern my heart with your silence. So I'll let go, I can't control.
Good bye good night. Don't dance so close to the edge.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Be still, and know that I am God. -Psalm 46:10 (NIV)
but it's not. for me anyways. to TRUST HIM.
I was telling John last night how I used to lay in bed, and when the worries came, I'd think about what it'd be like to be married or in the last year, imagine the wedding day. And as I thought about those happier things, instead of the things I was worried about, I'd calm down and sleep. Now that the wedding has passed and I'm living the married life, I have no place of escape. When the worries come, I have him hold me and try and breath deep.
I realized last night it has to be even more than that. I have to start surrendering my concerns to God. To allow HIM to take them and burden them for me. Through prayer will I be free from my worry wortness. Silly it seems, but this is a big deal for me.
God, I surrender all.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
If then there is any encouragement in Christ, any consolation from love, any sharing in the Spirit, any compassion and sympathy, make my joy complete: be of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others. Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as something to be exploited, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, being born in human likeness. And being found in human form, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death -- even death on a cross. Therefore God also highly exalted him and gave him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bend, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.-Philippians 2:1-11 (NRSV)
a few notes of confession:
as I was laying in bed in his arms, just trying to breath, to make my head stop spinning around and the gavel stop pounding judgement on my soul, the HS spoke some kind of clarity into the madness.
1#. I feel so guilty for not stopping when I could have, not seeking you out when I should have. I know I'm only one person in the dominoe relationships you have, but as one person I might have some kind of influence. I realized the guilt somehow stemmed from knowing that 2# would have seized the moment, rearranged priorities to be with you at that moment. They wouldn't have been afraid to step in your world, and that you would have let them. I realized that while I can't be #2 to you, I can learn from #2. I need to be like #2. which led to.....
#2. Knowing you have (or had, I don't know anymore) attributes that I ought to have and can emulate, helped me forgive you. I've been asking for help in forgiving you for more than a few months now. But I also recognized an ugly little piece of myself that didn't want to forgive. That piece that wanted to harbor hurt. My realization last night, strangely enough, helped me to forgive you.
#3. I also realized, somewhat apart from my other enlightening thoughts, that the reason I wasn't invited is because I probably wouldn't have enjoyed myself. It wasn't a power play of "who do you like better" or that someone else there didn't want me there, but it most likely a foreshadowing of my interest level in the event. And that tastes so much better than the bitter things I was imagining previously.
I am so fallible. I am so broken. I almost gave it all up last night, for I am so selfish. I almost threw in the towel of servanthood as I saw the clearest reflection of who I truly am. Then the Redeemer brought me to a place of humility, and I saw a path of hope.
Hope for an obediant daughter who heeds the words of a loving Father, and is changed. Changed to humility, looking to the needs of other, having the mind of Christ.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
- And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.
